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It’s impossible to avoid relationship

Note I didn’t say “a” relationship. I find those quite easy to avoid. Or maybe they’re avoiding me. Either way I don’t have one. The irony here is that all the ones I’m not looking for seem to be the ones that find me.

I recently moved into a little 3-roomed house in my village. The hope was to escape the constant obligations that come with being in close proximity to other humans. If that makes me a misanthrope, then I may indeed be one, albeit a misanthrope who needs people. I’m that kind of guy who will never invite anyone anywhere or even dial a number, but will sit in his cold, dark room in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, wondering why nobody is hanging out with him.

This has worked perfectly for me in Kyrgyzstan because people are continually asking for me to be around; whether it’s to work on a project, help a student prepare for a contest, eat dinner, slaughter a sheep, drink champagne, search for Yellow Tree or anything else on God’s brown earth.

Since I’m frequented with these types of interactions so often, there were several occasions, mostly early on, where I would meet someone, strike up a conversation and then promptly put them out of my mind forever. Or others I would get to know, criticize highly and then brush off my hands knowing I would never see them again.

The problem was, they kept showing up.

imageSeparated at birth

“Uh, what’s your name again, person I spent an entire weekend with and helped celebrate your birthday and who allowed me to crash at your parents’ house and who lists me as a good friend on Facebook?”

“Oh, haha, yeah, that thing I said, the one meant to be behind your back…I, uh…sorry.”

Talk about a lesson in humility.

When you first make a connection with someone, whether it’s a simple ‘hi,’ or a week together on a mutual trip, you have begun a relationship that will last forever. You don’t know when or where or how you’ll see them again, and maybe you never will, but that doesn’t mean the relationship has ended. So be civil when meeting, honest when getting to know someone, kind towards one another always, and maybe for good measure, try to remember their name. You’re in this for the long haul.

See people as people

If you haven’t yet read the book, Kabul Beauty School, pick up a copy this week. It should be required reading for any Peace Corps Volunteer or development worker living abroad.

In this true narrative, Deborah Rodriguez, known in her beauty salon as Crazy Deb, volunteers for temporary disaster relief in Afghanistan. After arriving with a group of health professionals, Deb starts to question why she, a hair stylist, was put with this group. Not feeling capable of contributing to the plans for clinics and medical care, she ventures out of the compound to make friends with local people. Her honest and sometimes brash interactions with Afghans gets her in trouble initially with her organization but allows her to form deep, lasting friendships with people. This ultimately leads to her launching and managing a beauty school in Kabul, the first since the topple of the Taliban, giving graduating students income for their families and hope for the future.

In a revealing episode early on, Deb is walking with her friend Roshanna looking at all the different people in the streets of Kabul. She starts to ask who these different people are and Roshanna tells her some are Uzbek, Tajik or Nuristani and some are Pashtun like herself. Deb thinks this is odd because she had always thought of Roshanna and everyone else as simply Afghan.

In the book Deb’s heart for all people in Afghanistan burns brightly through the audacious and bold ways she loves people practically, both in her friendships and in her work. Crazy Deb sees people as people.

I grew up in St. Paul, MN going to an elementary school with a large African-American and Hmong population of students. Now, I am a white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, boy of Norwegian decent who grew up eating lefse and hot dish. Our family was not exactly a veritable United Nations; however, my school was quite a bit more diverse. I remember as a kindergartener walking to school in the morning holding hands with whomever and never thinking once about the color of his or her hand. Then one day all of that changed.

We were sitting in the corner of our kindergarten room on the carpet having a little discussion with our teacher on being clean; washing our hands, brushing our teeth, those kinds of things. The teacher asked, “What would happen if you never took a bath?” I thought about this—how if you didn’t bathe after playing outside, you would have dirt on you and eventually you would get blacker and blacker with dirt, and so I raised my hand and said innocently, “You would be a black person.”

The teacher snapped.

“Black people have pigment in their skin!” She shouted, “You would not be like a black person. That is a horrible thing to say.”

That day I learned to fear the topic of race, my ears burning with shame as I wondered why different colors made my teacher so angry.

Our education continued throughout those elementary years with more conversations about different people and different cultures. As a white, middle-America boy, those conversations always came with the caveat that I “need to be careful to treat minorities as equal.”

“Treat everyone equal now, especially people who are different than you.” Even at that young age I can remember thinking, “Since we are already equal, why do I have to be so careful to treat them equally?” I learned to see people who looked different than me as different, and though I couldn’t put it into words at the time, it always bothered me.

There is a problem when our cultural education goes so far that we end up focusing on our differences instead of what binds us together as humans.

This can happen with development workers too, who, for very practical reasons receive cultural training in order to be effective within a culture. But sometimes the well-intentioned efforts to be sensitive keep us from focusing on the human level which is the only place where one can truly reach another human being.

I’m not saying unique cultural differences should be forgotten; we should celebrate who we are and who our forefathers were because this can bring us great joy and identity. What I am saying is that we’ve become much too sensitive which has resulted in an emphasis on the differences. This ultimately creates more division as we define people by their culture rather than their humanity.

Today, in the United States, is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. We share a name, Luther, given to each of us in honor of Martin Luther, the great reformer of five centuries past. Martin Luther fought for the truth that we are all loved by our creator, and from this truth Martin Luther King, Jr. fought for justice amidst the horrendous segregation and discrimination pervasive in his day.

In our day, we still haven’t yet realized a world where freedom rings from every mountaintop. It is my hope and prayer that each day we would proclaim this by the way we treat people—as people. Then maybe some day the dream will come true, where we can walk hand in hand, not because we’ve forgotten what color we are, but because we are defined by our common brotherhood.

imageHow will you help realize the dream?

Expect the unexpected

A project I’d like to start sometime is waking up in the morning and listing all the things I’m going to do that day, then at night making a second list of all the things I actually did and contrast the two lists. A short reading of the morning and evening entries would look like I’m living two parallel lives with geography being the only bridge between them. Allow me to indulge:

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SATURDAY

Morning Entry

10am – I’m awake. *yay.

11am – fire has been lit with extra sheep poop added

12am – finishing leisurely brunch while browsing discgolfer magazine

Evening Entry

9am – woken by my neighbor friend’s second cousin calling me to come outside *vague ideas of strangling someone

10am – trudging out of village in search of “Yellow Tree” so that we can strip its bark and boil it to make medicine for neighbor friend’s niece who has Hepatitis A

11am – watching an old shepherd scratch in the snow a map of where to find Yellow Tree who then decides to show us the way himself and leaves his cow in the care of a fellow neighbor

12am – getting stabbed in the hands by inch long thorns while breaking apart the freshly uncovered Yellow Tree which has turned out to be a bush. *rah.

—-

imageAlways expect disc golf

It’s a cliché title, but it couldn’t be more accurate. I often find myself saying that today is “unusual like usual.” This is where flexibility comes in.

I’m not talking physical flexibility, though that also comes in quite handy when the 40th person stuffs herself into the 17-passenger van you’re riding or when you’re chasing two sheep that escaped your host dad’s flock down a mountainside. I’ve been attending the women’s club yoga sessions for that. (Strictly for flexibility reasons, I swear.)

What we’re talking here is the ability to adapt, change, bend, and stretch out of your comfort zone so that the next time you can stretch a little bit further. There are always going to be situations that you don’t want to be in but simply have to get through with sanity attached.

Sometimes it comes loose. Sometimes you flip out and yell at the man who’s calling at you, “America! America!” Sometimes you lock yourself in your room all day eating clif bars for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Sometimes you come out.

But be warned. There’s just no telling how far you may have to walk for what kind of colored tree covered with who-knows how many thorns. At least it’ll be expected.

How to make a man fall in love with you

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. From my own travels around the world through various cultures and times let me propose this common path to love has missed a bit low: it’s really through his ears.

I was waiting for a friend one day outside a library so I decided to sit down and take out my guitar. Some volunteer friends and I are in a band that performs Kyrgyz music and we had a show coming up so I figured this was a good chance to practice in public to see how my nerves would stand up. Just as I got to the part where the song goes, “I love you, truly from my heart…” a man happened by, stopped, turned, crouched down, put a hand on my knee, and gave me the biggest love-struck smile I’ve ever seen. For a moment my voice faltered and then I thought, “No! The show must go on!” and completed my love ballad to this swooning stranger.

He was so happy. I was more happy to turn my guitar over to him.

I think he’s winking at me

I’ve never really liked music. Sure, I have thousands of songs on iTunes playlists ranging from 90s alt to mash-ups to Mozart. I was even in a ska band in high school. But I think music has been more of a cursory enjoyment than an integral part of my life. I’m not that person who lists all the live shows he’s been to on his “about me” section of Facebook. The list wouldn’t be more than a line long anyway. I do enjoy music, but compared to a lot of other people it might seem I don’t like it at all.

This may be why it’s taken me so long to find the secret to making men fall in love with me. As a straight dude, this is a lesson I could have gone a lifetime without learning. I suppose this lesson could also apply to making women fall in love with me, but so far this hasn’t shown out through experience. I have much more luck with the guys.

Our little Peace Corps band has played at several shows around the country, and was even showcased on one of the national TV channel’s New Year’s Eve program. I’ve been struck and humbled by all the people who are attracted to our music, women and men alike. And though people are impressed by the fact Americans are learning their language, I believe it’s the universal language of music that’s the biggest draw. You don’t even need to speak it well to communicate great volumes. Show up to a party with a refrain and a verse of almost anything and for a moment you will captivate a soul, tying a cord between yours and his, the song’s vibration dancing along this string, igniting desires and emotions within. Why else would they say it tugs on the heart strings?

This lesson learned may not be the best help in my own quest for love. But who knows, maybe you’ll be more lucky. Choose a song that you’ve fallen in love with and sing it out with all your heart. You might just make someone fall in love with you.

Don’t join the Peace Corps

You heard me. Don’t do it. I’m telling you, it’s going to break your heart.

The Core Expectations for Volunteers states you are expected to “serve where the Peace Corps asks you to go, under conditions of hardship, if necessary…” What it doesn’t state however is just what hardship means.

Right now you’re thinking, “Oh. There’ll be no flush toilets or showers. I can handle that. I might have to squash a few spiders, but for the high calling of changing the world, I think I can put up with those things.”

But the truth is, hardship isn’t the quirky and fun hardship you’re expecting, where each new day brings adventure upon crazy adventure, more wonderful than the next. True hardship is much more sobering.

During your service you might have to bury a neighbor. Or watch helplessly as your host family is torn to pieces by corruption. You might show up to school to learn one of your students was killed by a classmate. Your host sister could be kidnapped and forced to marry a man she’s never met. You might witness abuse, violence and mistreatment. You may see your best student lose to a kid from another school because his bribe was the biggest. Your dog might be fed a needle, just to quiet it down, forever.

And if none of that happens, then something else will. There’s just no knowing how hard it will be or it what way. It could be dealing with other volunteers is your biggest challenge. Or that you can never live up to the expectations of your host organization. Or that the Internet is so accessible you spend your entire day trolling Facebook, jealous of all the lives continuing on back home.

And what about all the things you’ll give up? Your boyfriend might not wait two years for you. You’ll put your career on hold. Your familiar support networks probably won’t be around – there’ll be no gym, no fast food joint, no car to drive, no family to visit. The stress and diet could make you lose thirty pounds—or gain thirty—whichever you don’t want.

The Peace Corps uses phrases like, “Life is calling. How far will you go?” and in a breath you’re ready to sign your name on the line. But two years is a long, long time and in the middle you find the world you wanted to change is a confusing and complex puzzle of which you are just one, tiny piece.

So please, if you’re not ready for the heartbreak in the hardship, don’t join the Peace Corps.

Or do.

Because you might just find that all your blood, sweat and tears are worth it – worth the pain, worth the time and worth the investment in the people for whom your heart breaks. Because you might learn some of the most important lessons of your life – that a broken heart can heal stronger than it was before, that a softened heart has more compassion for the world, and that in between its cracks and fissures is the only place where true beauty and grace can grow.

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